I want to Live!

Ok, so this is the last post of the day:) It has been sooooo long since I have blogged and there is so much to say....

5 years ago last month I chose to live, I chose to walk into the dark and the unknown because the life I did know at the time was killing me. I chose to take a huge risk, admit my weaknesses and incapacities and ask for help. And that Risk has made me free. Thank you to everyone, and you are many, that have helped me learn how to live again. During this journey there has always been someone there to talk to, cry with, laugh with, and help me see when I couldnt see for myself. I am eternally grateful to all of you for loving me and helping me to love myself. Your patience and understanding has made all the difference for me:)

This is a song I heard for the first time when I was at the Center and it is sung by my favorite singer (John Denver). I heard it on a day when I wasnt sure if recovery was something I wanted to do or was capable of doing and this song struck me and helped me begin to make my choice to live...

I want to live,

I want to grow

I want to see,

I want to know

I want to share what I can give

I want to be, I want to live

Spencer and life:)

Today I came accross some old newspaper articles about my brother and his death that I taped into my journal when he died 6 years ago. No matter how hard I tried to write in my journal during that time about what had happened, no words would come, none, just tears...So I taped these articles in there to take the place of my words until the day came when I could write about what happened. As the months passed I began to feel like that day would never come; I would never be able to speak about or document that awful time in my life and my familie's lives. So I tucked the journal away years ago and forgot about it...until today. As I was surprised to see those empty pages that I had long ago forgotten i was struck with an overwhelming feeling of love. I have read that scripture a thousand times that says everything that happens in our lives Heavenly Father can make good if we let Him and I recalled how many times I have thought of experience in my life that were exceptions to that promise. But as I sat there today reading the articles I realized how the Lord has made good on his promise. I miss my brother all the time. sometimes more than others. sometimes so much it is hard to breath, but lately along with that ache in my heart comes peace and happiness too. I never ever thought I would ever feel any hope or peace reagarding the way Spencer's life ended, but the miracle of it all is that I do. I really do. I am closer to that boy now than I ever was when he was alive. He has become one of my closest friends and I have felt him there beside me many times over the past few months. What a blessing his life continues to be to me and what a blessing that the Lord has turned something so painful and heartwrenching into something wonderful.

Hope and Healing...

http://lds.org/pages/lifting-burdens?lang=eng

Hopefully this link works. I watched this video the other day and my heart and soul was powerfully reminded of how very, very blessed I am...how blessed we all are. Lately I have been feeling stuck, kind of directionless, and lost, and inturn feeling very negative about my life, my potential, and where I'm going. After having some long deep conversations, reading my scriptures, a lot of prayer, and watching this video I feel the fog lifting. I feel hope beginning to float up again and I am putting a lot more effort into staying positive. Being happy is a choice and I am realizing first hand that people almost always find what they are looking for. As I thought about that I remembered that story about the two wolves below...

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

So, now that I have stepped back and regrounded myself I am going to feed the wolf that makes me happy; the wolf of peace, the wolf of hope, the wolf of love and gratitude. I am choosing to be happy. No matter where any of us are in life we can always find things that are wrong, or ways in which we feel jipped and neglected and unloved. It is easy to feel or say things like, "I'll be happy when..." and those thoughts only breed our unhappiness. So, I am going to work really hard on looking for the good and choosing to be happy right now, not someday when...but right now!

A powerful inspiring quote

So I dont know exactly who said this, but whoever it was, it is worth sharing:
"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The dye has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a desciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, or be still. My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk with patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, divided or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I wont give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, and paid up for the cause of Christ. I must go til He comes, give til I drop, preach til all know, and work til He stops me. And when he returns for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear."

I love this video!