I Stand All Amazed

Over the past couple weeks I have had the opportunity to do some thinking. Sometimes in life, being alone with your thoughts is a very scarey thing. There have been moments of absolute emptiness and an overwhelming sense of sadness... A loneliness that at times made it hard to breath...But in the end, having those hours filled with confusion and heartache has turned out to be a blessing. I dont know why I am always surprised by this. Pain is how Heavenly Father gets us to turn toward Him and His Son. With out pain we would have no reason to look beyond the moment, to look deeper into ourselves, and see, truly see what He sees in us. Pain keeps us from living life on the surface and missing the meaning of life. This is a truth that I am coming to know: Me + God = Enough. It always has and it always will. Everything in my life can be taken from me, but as long as I turn to the one true, lasting source of peace and love, I will always have enough and be enough. It is so easy to look at the people around me and see them living their seemingly happy, perfect lives and look at all they have and compare it to everything I don't have. As I was thinking about that this quote came to me, "Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings; it's something we make inside ourselves." So in the end, happiness has nothing to do with what I own, whether I have a job or not, whether I have children or not, whether I have someone who loves me or not, my happiness is something I create, not anyone or anything else. My happiness is in direct correlation to the perspective I have...It all boils down to how grateful I am. I cant have some things yet or ever, but I do have sunsets to silently watch, daisies in the spring, nieces and nephews that for some reason think I'm the coolest thing ever, sisters who listen to me complain and cry for hours on the phone and validate me no matter how irrational I am, a Mom who writes me sweet notes and plays with my hair during church, a Dad who would give me everything he has if I asked for it, life long friends who will always think I'm funny and want to spend time with me, long walks in the summertime, a front yard swing that I get to sit in and listen to the birds sing and watch the aspens blow in the breeze, trees and mountains to climb, a Savior who gave me His life so I could be happy, and more love than I will ever know what to do with. Wow. When I actually take the time to step back and look at it, I am SO blessed. Gratitude is the secret to life, I think. So all in all, their is growth in the pain and even though its hard to comprehend there is a deep profound love that He is expressing in the very hours of our own Gethsemane. So, from now on I am going to try and remember that each day I have the choice to be happy or not. It is up to me. Not that I dont have many, many more bad days to come, but I hope these lessons I'm learning will help me get through the hard times a little more gracefully. Happiness is my choice.