Tenderly Calling...

http://youtu.be/dresvqIg9nA

I heard this song today probably for the thousandth time in my life, but for some reason, today was the first time the words and music struck me. It was the spirit whispering to my heart exactly what I needed to hear. It is so easy to get caught up in the world worrying about measuring up, proving ourselves, stressing about the unknown, filling our lives with fear, and blah blah blah. That is exactly the mode my mind was in this morning until I heard this song and was tenderly reminded of the Savior's love for me and His desire to bring me home and give me the peace He offers. It was one of those moments where you can feel your "cup" running over and in one moment you feel peace in all the areas that were once filled with fear. I LOVE this time of year because I find myself thinking of the Savior's life and love more often and it feels so good to fill my mind and heart with those thoughts. I am so grateful for the abundance that the Lord has blessed me with in my life and for the "crosses" that he has allowed me to bear so that I may grow nearer to Him. The recording of the song isn't that great, but if you listen with the Spirit, it wouldn't matter who was singing right? =) Anyway, Happy beginning to the Christmas season everyone and I hope that all of you can feel the Lord tenderly calling you and loving you knowing that you matter to Him and that He can fill up all those empty places in your heart, fill you with hope and peace, and help you give all that you were sent here to give, and in a sense "bring you home" =) Here are the lyrics....

        Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,   calling for you and for me;   see, on the portals he's waiting and watching,   watching for you and for me.    Come home, come home;   ye who are weary come home;   earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,   calling, O sinner, come home!    Why should we tary when Jesus is pleading,   pleading for you and for me?   Why should we linger and heed not his mercies,   mercies for you and for me?   (Refrain)    Time is now fleeting, the moments are passing,   passing from you and from me;   shadows are gathering, deathbeds are coming,   coming for you and for me.       O for the wonderful love he has promised,   promised for you and for me!   Though we have sinned, he has mercy and pardon,   pardon for you and for me.    

        Come home, come home;   ye who are weary come home;   earnestly, tenderly, Jesus is calling,   calling, O sinner, come home! 

Grannie in Pajammies

This is a picture I forgot to post from a trip to visit one of my best friends this summer! She was so sweet to let me borrow her matching Moo Moo the whole week I was there! Moo Moos are one of my favorite things in the world and I would wear them everywhere I went if I could...and still have friends=) I had so much fun with my Grannie that week and I am so grateful for all the love she gives me and for all the laughs and cries we've had together! So, anyway, hope you enjoy our matching moo moo picture!

His Promises Are Sure!!!

Good things are happening all over the place! Finally!....well actually I shouldn't say "finally" because I know if I look closely at my life over the past year that God has been blessing me all along the way. It's just that right now in particular I feel like it's the beginning of huge, dark, black clouds lifting. I told Heavenly Father a few days ago that I could only handle so much more...Perhaps instead I should have prayed for more strength to endure what He would have me endure. Either way- He listened to my plea and He has answered! I have read so many scriptures over the past couple months about "considering the lillies of the field" and how He takes care of them so we should never doubt that He will take care of us. I always felt hope after being led to specific scriptures that were just for me in specific moments, but everytime doubt would eventually loom in and I would start to wonder if I was the exception to all His promises, but the truth is that I'm not and neither are you! He knows what we need even before we ask Him and He will always provide a way for our needs to be met and for us to be happy. Anyway, so are you ready for the good news??? I HAVE A JOB! After 5 months of dramatically wallowing in the depths of despair of unemployment, I HAVE A JOB!!! I haven't been miserable the whole time, but it has been rough due to my doubt and feeling like I don't know what the heck I'm going to do with my life and like I must be THE ONLY COLLEGE GRADUATE IN THE WORLD who never thought about what they wanted to do with their degree before getting it! It never even crossed my mind to determine that...wierd. But all is wonderful and well in the end and for that I am eternally grateful! He has made up for what I lacked all along the way. He has been so good to me when I have been so doubtful of Him. He has loved me when I was so unloving toward Him. I still don't understand why things have turned out the way they have in my life thus far, but we can all hope that I am finally learning to trust. So now I am an employed woman at a local bookstore...still no idea of where this train is going, but trusting the conductor to get me where I need to be=) I love books so it should be a lot of fun and hopefully I won't spend my whole paycheck there! oh and the other good thing...my perm is settleing down...I thought I was going to have to shave my head, but I think prayer has helped with this miracle too=) Thank heavens, or I wouldn't even be able to show up to my job with out a really big hood to cover up one of my lifes biggest mistakes (besides wiping with poison ivy- that's a whole other post-or not=)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
Love, Einstein

This last week has been a rough one, but I am grateful to start off this week with a day filled with candy=) Candy and prayer get me through everything...

Amazing Videos!

http://old.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/videos?channelId=ad1fcf6cdfeac110VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&sourceId=2cca389a31a5b210VgnVCM100000176f620a____

http://old.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/videos?channelId=ad1fcf6cdfeac110VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&sourceId=c1d1b0333ee92210VgnVCM100000176f620a____

http://old.mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/videos?channelId=ad1fcf6cdfeac110VgnVCM1000003a94610aRCRD&sourceId=d513b0333ee92210VgnVCM100000176f620a____

Um, I just have to say that for some reason lately I feel like I could sit and watch these videos ALL DAY LONG! Maybe it's because I have such a short attention span and they are all under 5 minutes=) I don't know what it is, but I love them. They make me feel so hopeful and happy. SO, if you get a chance and need a little boost look no further...These videos will do the job!

Also here's another good quote I cam across today:

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement...President James E. Faust taught: "Hope is the anchor of our souls...Hope is trust in God's promises, faith that if we act now, the desired blessings will be fulfilled in the future..."

September Thoughts and Pictures

This month has been a month filled with lots of different emotions, fun, set backs, and growth. I think Heavenly Father is trying to teach me about faith. I am still jobless and unsure about what His plan for my life is. Most days I feel peace knowing that if I'm doing all I can do to keep my promises to God then He is bound to keep His promises to me...And sometimes Him keeping His promises to me occurs in very different ways then I think they are going to come. I just thought that if I kept job hunting and filling out applications til the cows come home that I would have a job by now and that is how I would feel His peace and feel secure. But, that is not so for me right now=) I have been often reminded of the scripture that says,

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

So, yes, many times over, especially this month as my bank account gets smaller, the Savior truly has given me peace, but not as the world provides peace. All of us, I think at times settle into the idea that if we have a job, an education, or know exactly where we will be in the future, or when our next baby or date will come, or when we will have the house of our dreams, or this or this or that... then we can have peace, but when those aspects of our lives are sometimes
taken away, that is when we have to step back and think about where true peace comes from and what exactly it is. It is so weird to be so close to being pennyless and still jobless and be blessed with so much peace. This has never happened in my life. I have never been able to open my heart up to so much peace before. Obviously I still have days where I get anxious and begin to spiral downward in thoughts of fear, but I remember that the Savior doesn't offer peace in the form of a job or knowing the future, He offers peace in faith. He offers peace in our willingness to trust Him, believing that He will provide all we will ever need if we turn to Him. He doesn't give us trials so that we will turn to the world, He gives us trials so that we will turn to Him. He offers all we will ever need. So, I will go forward one day at a time working on my faith that no matter the circumstances of my life...all is well and it always will be as long as I'm looking up and not down, looking to Him and not to the fleeting, fake security of the world. Kind of jumbled thought, but I hope it makes some sense=)

Here are some great quotes I recently found:
" Humility is not the disavowal of our worth, rather it is the sober realization of how much we are valued by God."
Cool huh? Once we know of Gods love for us and our worth in His eyes, we no longer need to be "right", or "better", or "ahead..."

"We should always remember that God sees not as man sees, that He does not willingly afflict His children, and that if He requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives us of any present blessing, it is that He may bestow upon us greater and more glorious ones by and by." George Q. Cannon

" If we could realize things as they are when we are called to pass through trials, and to suffer what we call sacrifices, we would acknowledge them to be the greatest blessings that could be bestowed upon us." Brigham Young

These quotes kind of put a new perspective on trials=)

I have been really busy this month with several different things, but one of those things was harvesting potatoes in our garden. Let me tell you people, this was one of the most addicting, fulfilling things I have ever done. Wierd, I know, but can I just say that digging in the dirt has never been this fun. I would dig and dig and find nothing and then every time right before I was about to give up....lo and behold a potato! And then the process would repeat...dig, dig, dig, nothing...about to quit and wa la! Another potato! I couldn't stop. I kept telling myself, ok, one more potato Carrie and then you have to stop and get other things done, but I couldn't. There's just something so rewarding in putting a few things in the ground, watering them, and then magically food or flowers or whatever it may be appears. The picture of one days worth of digging is above because I cant figure out how to put it below this statement...

Also, I was so excited because I got to go on a hike this month, which is one of my FAVORITE things to do! I love packing food, getting in my little Subaru, and driving to beautiful places, all the while listening to John Denver of course=) The hike was gorgeous, and peaceful, and wonderful. I saw a sign that said to beware of bears and I instantly got so excited. I love bears and one of my life "to Do's" is to see a bear in the wild and I was hoping that today was the day...It wasn't. But I did see bear droppings....Does that count? When I saw the pines and aspens I ran up to them and hugged them...literally. I am so wierd, but I couldn't let go of the trees. Something about the mountains makes me feel instantly at home and I can't get enough. I was tempted to just stay the night, but seeing as I was alone, and I'm afraid of rapists I had to tare myself away from that gorgeous place and force myself to go home=( The pictures of the hike are from my cell phone so they're not great, but it was breathtaking in person!

P.S. I think I might be going back to school to get my certification to be a recreation therapist. I only have one more class, an internship, and a national exam. If I decide to go ahead and do it, I should be official by next October!!!!

The Necklace

I found this story on my cousins blog and loved it! So, I thought Id share this too...I know, I know, Im a big fat blog copyer!haha I think Im just going through a time where my brain and heart are resting and I have few original thoughts of my own=)

The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, mommy, please?"

Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.

"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save up enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday is only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from grandma."

As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her piggy bank and counted 17 pennies. After dinner she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.

Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet they might turn her neck green.

Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"

"Oh yes daddy, you now I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."

"That's ok honey, daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"

"Daddy, you know I love you."

"Then give me your pearls."

"Oh daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."

"That's ok. Sleep well. God bless you little one..Daddy loves you."

And as always, he brushed her cheek with a kiss.

A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.

"What is it Jenny? Whats the matter?"

Jenny didn't say anything, but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here daddy, this is for you."

With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny...

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure. So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.

God will never take away something without giving you something better in its place.

My new favorite song=)

My Mom heard this song the other day and sent it to me because she new I needed it...I listened to it, loved it, and thought I would share it because I know that we all go through really hard times; regardless of how apparent those hard times are. Anyway, enjoy and hopefully it will uplift at least one who needs to be reminded that it is through the tragedies in life that God shows His love, His healing, and His constant awareness and concern for us=) Thanks Mom!

click on the link and you can watch the video.

http://youtu.be/1CSVqHcdhXQ

Here are the lyrics:

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

A few of my favorite things:)

I Stand All Amazed

Over the past couple weeks I have had the opportunity to do some thinking. Sometimes in life, being alone with your thoughts is a very scarey thing. There have been moments of absolute emptiness and an overwhelming sense of sadness... A loneliness that at times made it hard to breath...But in the end, having those hours filled with confusion and heartache has turned out to be a blessing. I dont know why I am always surprised by this. Pain is how Heavenly Father gets us to turn toward Him and His Son. With out pain we would have no reason to look beyond the moment, to look deeper into ourselves, and see, truly see what He sees in us. Pain keeps us from living life on the surface and missing the meaning of life. This is a truth that I am coming to know: Me + God = Enough. It always has and it always will. Everything in my life can be taken from me, but as long as I turn to the one true, lasting source of peace and love, I will always have enough and be enough. It is so easy to look at the people around me and see them living their seemingly happy, perfect lives and look at all they have and compare it to everything I don't have. As I was thinking about that this quote came to me, "Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings; it's something we make inside ourselves." So in the end, happiness has nothing to do with what I own, whether I have a job or not, whether I have children or not, whether I have someone who loves me or not, my happiness is something I create, not anyone or anything else. My happiness is in direct correlation to the perspective I have...It all boils down to how grateful I am. I cant have some things yet or ever, but I do have sunsets to silently watch, daisies in the spring, nieces and nephews that for some reason think I'm the coolest thing ever, sisters who listen to me complain and cry for hours on the phone and validate me no matter how irrational I am, a Mom who writes me sweet notes and plays with my hair during church, a Dad who would give me everything he has if I asked for it, life long friends who will always think I'm funny and want to spend time with me, long walks in the summertime, a front yard swing that I get to sit in and listen to the birds sing and watch the aspens blow in the breeze, trees and mountains to climb, a Savior who gave me His life so I could be happy, and more love than I will ever know what to do with. Wow. When I actually take the time to step back and look at it, I am SO blessed. Gratitude is the secret to life, I think. So all in all, their is growth in the pain and even though its hard to comprehend there is a deep profound love that He is expressing in the very hours of our own Gethsemane. So, from now on I am going to try and remember that each day I have the choice to be happy or not. It is up to me. Not that I dont have many, many more bad days to come, but I hope these lessons I'm learning will help me get through the hard times a little more gracefully. Happiness is my choice.

Broken Dreams

"As children bring their broken toys

with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God

because He was my friend.

But instead of leaving Him

in peace to work alone,

I hung around and tried to help

with ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,

"How can you be so slow?"

"My child," he said "What could I do?"

"You never let them go."

Sorry if it seems like my posts have been so sad lately...it's just how I cope with life. When I'm sad or discouraged or lonely or lost I look for poems, quotes, or songs that can better express exactly how I'm feeling or things that help me to hope. I came across this poem which I had written in my journal over a year ago and it was exactly what I needed. At times I really feel like I have let go of what I want and I have told Heavenly Father that I will try and learn to want what He wants for me, but after a while my own will starts creeping in and takes over. I continue to "put in orders" to God letting Him know what I would like and when, quickly forgetting that He knows far more than I do about what I need and what will eventually make me happy...truly happy...and what is happiness without extensive amounts of pain to compare it to? Nothing. So I am going forward knowing, not hoping, but knowing that somehow, someday Heavenly Father will take my pain and broken dreams and turn them into something far better than I ever could have imagined.

PATTY GRIFFIN ~ RAIN ~

Letting Go and Letting God

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

I want to Live!

Ok, so this is the last post of the day:) It has been sooooo long since I have blogged and there is so much to say....

5 years ago last month I chose to live, I chose to walk into the dark and the unknown because the life I did know at the time was killing me. I chose to take a huge risk, admit my weaknesses and incapacities and ask for help. And that Risk has made me free. Thank you to everyone, and you are many, that have helped me learn how to live again. During this journey there has always been someone there to talk to, cry with, laugh with, and help me see when I couldnt see for myself. I am eternally grateful to all of you for loving me and helping me to love myself. Your patience and understanding has made all the difference for me:)

This is a song I heard for the first time when I was at the Center and it is sung by my favorite singer (John Denver). I heard it on a day when I wasnt sure if recovery was something I wanted to do or was capable of doing and this song struck me and helped me begin to make my choice to live...

I want to live,

I want to grow

I want to see,

I want to know

I want to share what I can give

I want to be, I want to live

Spencer and life:)

Today I came accross some old newspaper articles about my brother and his death that I taped into my journal when he died 6 years ago. No matter how hard I tried to write in my journal during that time about what had happened, no words would come, none, just tears...So I taped these articles in there to take the place of my words until the day came when I could write about what happened. As the months passed I began to feel like that day would never come; I would never be able to speak about or document that awful time in my life and my familie's lives. So I tucked the journal away years ago and forgot about it...until today. As I was surprised to see those empty pages that I had long ago forgotten i was struck with an overwhelming feeling of love. I have read that scripture a thousand times that says everything that happens in our lives Heavenly Father can make good if we let Him and I recalled how many times I have thought of experience in my life that were exceptions to that promise. But as I sat there today reading the articles I realized how the Lord has made good on his promise. I miss my brother all the time. sometimes more than others. sometimes so much it is hard to breath, but lately along with that ache in my heart comes peace and happiness too. I never ever thought I would ever feel any hope or peace reagarding the way Spencer's life ended, but the miracle of it all is that I do. I really do. I am closer to that boy now than I ever was when he was alive. He has become one of my closest friends and I have felt him there beside me many times over the past few months. What a blessing his life continues to be to me and what a blessing that the Lord has turned something so painful and heartwrenching into something wonderful.

Hope and Healing...

http://lds.org/pages/lifting-burdens?lang=eng

Hopefully this link works. I watched this video the other day and my heart and soul was powerfully reminded of how very, very blessed I am...how blessed we all are. Lately I have been feeling stuck, kind of directionless, and lost, and inturn feeling very negative about my life, my potential, and where I'm going. After having some long deep conversations, reading my scriptures, a lot of prayer, and watching this video I feel the fog lifting. I feel hope beginning to float up again and I am putting a lot more effort into staying positive. Being happy is a choice and I am realizing first hand that people almost always find what they are looking for. As I thought about that I remembered that story about the two wolves below...

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

So, now that I have stepped back and regrounded myself I am going to feed the wolf that makes me happy; the wolf of peace, the wolf of hope, the wolf of love and gratitude. I am choosing to be happy. No matter where any of us are in life we can always find things that are wrong, or ways in which we feel jipped and neglected and unloved. It is easy to feel or say things like, "I'll be happy when..." and those thoughts only breed our unhappiness. So, I am going to work really hard on looking for the good and choosing to be happy right now, not someday when...but right now!

A powerful inspiring quote

So I dont know exactly who said this, but whoever it was, it is worth sharing:
"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The dye has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a desciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, or be still. My past is redeemed, my presence makes sense, and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, positions, promotions, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk with patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, divided or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I wont give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, and paid up for the cause of Christ. I must go til He comes, give til I drop, preach til all know, and work til He stops me. And when he returns for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear."

I love this video!